Evolving Couple Lecture Series

Dr. Wolf introduces “The Evolving Couple” as a paradigm shift. He describes the couple as an energetic field like an infinity sign that is created over time. Like not every tadpole becomes a frog not every relationship forms into a couple. The Couple goes through stages of development as individuals go through stages of development. He reads the poem by Robert Bly entitled “The Third Body” as a metaphor for understanding the Couple from this point of view. He engages the reader with homework to explore this idea from their personal experience.

Dr. Wolf describes several stages of Couple Development. The initial stage is formation. Couples, he says, are like omelets. They require heat over time to “coagulate”. Until a relationship “coagulates” into a couple it is in a “getting to know you” stage of formation. A later stage is described as “Hitting the Wall”; a stage replete with feelings of failure and helplessness. Like twin chicks inside the shell, one or both partners are feeling suffocated inside the relationship and is ready to call it quits. This is the stage which results in 50 parent of married couples getting a divorce. The Evolving Couple is presented as the next stage which requires both partners to look at them selves, identify how they each contribute to negative patterns and learn to make changes in themselves for the couple to evolve. He offers Homework for personal reflection on these concepts.

Dr. Wolf presents the myth of King Arthur and the Knights of the Roundtable as a metaphor to introduce the voice of the King or Queen as the spiritual dimension of the Evolving Couple. When the psyche is attuned to the voice of the King or Queen the Kingdom thrives. When the thought, feeling or body sensation of a character usurps the throne the psyche goes out of balance. Both partners in the couple are taught to discern the difference between the Voice of the King/Queen and the voices of the characters. Dr. Wolf suggests homework to identify how to recall times you have heard the voice of your king or queen.

The evolving couple work involves delving into the inner worlds of soul and spirit. The Soul is understood to be the depth of our capacity to experience our humanity. It is our orientation toward the Depths. The spirit is our orientation toward the light. Carl Jung referred to it as the Self. It is also referred to as Buddha Consciousness, Christ Consciousness, Cosmic Consciousness , et al. The Evolving Couple refers to that connection with the Light as the King or Queen. Evolving Couple work involves differentiating the voice of the King/Queen from other voices of Characters and becoming increasingly more conscious of the dynamics between these two poles of our identity. He offers homework to identify how to tell the difference between the voice of the King/Queen and your characters.

Dr. Wolf presents the tale of the Warrior/King Odysseus tying himself to the mast of his ship to avoid cracking up on the rocks as a metaphor for the evolving couple work. The mast of the ship represents the King/Queen. The rope represents the breath. And cracking up on the rocks is a metaphor for thoughts feelings and body sensations which influences us to say or do things which causes us regret. He suggests homework to identify thoughts, feelings and body sensations that influence what you say or do and causes you regret

Dr. Wolf introduces the Protector/Saboteur. Some people call it the ego. Others call it the false self. The Evolving Couple calls it a character. The characters necessarily form within the first five years of life and function like a suit of armor, protecting us from experiencing painful emotions. Decades later the evolving couple recognizes that these same patterns which originally developed as protection have become saboteurs, causing us to say or do things which we regret. The homework is to identify a repetitive thought feeling or body sensation which, when you act on it, causes you regret.

Like a key opening a door, the breath allows access to a deeper sense of self rooted in body awareness. Dr. Wolf teaches the belly breathing method he learned from the Arica School and the inner martial art Shing Yi as a tool to self center and increase calm by lowering your level of arousal. Homework involves practicing the belly breathing until it becomes habitual.

Dr. Wolf teaches a mindful listening practice that first involves listening to the farthest sound, then listening to the silence between sounds then learning to use the method when you become aware of the mind getting stuck in a thought. It becomes an essential tool for doing the Evolving Couple work. Homework involves learning to develop the mindful listening as a new habit.

A codependent pattern is one in which an individual sacrifices their own essential needs for the sake of another or for a relationship. Some people act codependently 1 percent of the time, others act codependently 99% of the time. Homework is given to recall a time when you acted codependently. Then ask yourself what motivated you to do that and what were the consequences.

Dr. Wolf describes the body brain, the thinking brain and the emotional brain. The emotional brain produces emotion as the body brain produces heart beats. Emotions are impulses produced by the emotional brain. You can’t help what you feel. There are three primary emotions: Happy, sad and anxious. Anger is a secondary emotion which functions as a discharge of emotional pressure and as camouflage for primary emotions. For homework Dr. Wolf asks that you recall a time you got angry when you really were feeling sad or anxious. He also asks you to ask yourself what you might have said to more accurately describe what lied beneath your anger.

Emotional Intelligence or EQ is a way of knowing. It is comprised of four pillars: Self Awareness and the ability to communicate to be understood, Other awareness and the capacity for sympathy and empathy, understanding emotion and self control. For Homework he asks you to evaluate yourself on these four pillars of emotional intelligence.

The concept of projection was introduced into Western psychology by Sigmund Freud toward the end of the 19th century. It’s what we do when we attribute positive or negative thoughts, feelings, attitudes or intentions onto another. Judgment and blame are bedfellows of projection. It’s what we do when we make others or circumstances responsible for what is going on within ourselves. It’s like making actors responsible for what we feel while watching them perform on the screen. Homework is to remember a time you blamed someone for how you felt and later found out that it wasn't their fault at all.